February 1, 2013
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Wondering...
I'm at a point in life where I have so much to say, but don't know how to say it. But I can tell it's there, buried not too deeply beneath the surface, yet it no longer wants to budge. Oh sure there's the status updates on Facebook, the short and sweet stuff that doesn't require much thought or planning. But I've been staring at this blog screen for roughly two hours, and still haven't found the urge to spill the useless nonsense about life in general like I used to, at least not without it sounding like repetitive jibber jabber. Work, weight, love. There should be far more to life than that, but I can't find the means of speaking about it like I used to.
What's happened to me? Is this just another stage of development in my life? Is it laziness? Uneventfulness? Or is it, quite simply, lack of interest and I'm just in a state of denial about it? I can't quite pinpoint what it is. Maybe it's everything combined. I'm older now, living in a different state of mind than I was 10 years ago (my gosh, has it been that long?). My life hasn't really taken a drastic turn into something worth raving about. And even if it has, am I one to brag about it? I don't know. Not yet.
It's a big reason why moving to Florida this year would be the desperate change I'm waiting for. I feel like I'm trapped in a cocoon stage from my caterpillar life, and Florida can be my means of finally bursting open into the butterfly I'm supposed to be. Corny analogy, but you get the idea. It's an escape from mundane, from typical, from usual, and from a done-to-death way of life. I want that feeling of going somewhere where no one knows me and coming back into the lives of those who DO know me as a transformed human being. And sometimes that feeling is overwhelming too. There's no fear in moving to Florida as there used to be. Now, there's more fear to stay in Indiana.
It's all a transition though, a big waiting game. Nothing has solidified yet. It's either we get the land we want to start building, or we get the house we bid on and EVENTUALLY start building on another piece of land, which is my own personal preference, because that would mean that I can maybe keep that house for myself, assuming I'd have an awesome job lined up. But everything's up in the air still. We're sure it will happen, but it's a matter of when now. I haven't started sending resumes yet, as I'd like to have a time frame to go by as well as a foundation to help me gauge where jobs are in vicinity to where I'd be living. Once I have that, I can and will send resumes like crazy. All in due time.
I wonder what sort of life I have waiting for me in Florida? Am I thinking too much of it? Relying too heavily on it? I'd really like to know...
Comments (6)
Not to burst your bubble, but Florida isn't all its cracked up to be. Depending on what part you move too and what you like doing...
The beach is almost always awesome though.:)
Nah that doesn't burst my bubble. Seeing as how my bubble has little to do with Florida itself as it does with everything else I mentioned in the blog. Indiana vs. Florida is just for labeling purposes really. But my bubble is far bigger than Florida and its mere existence. My bubble is the transformation of myself as a human being. It's the elimination of my usual surroundings to something completely different. It's removing myself from the ordinary, uneventful life that has been my normal since I was born. Literally.
At this point, the state can be anything else, not just Florida, and I'd feel the same way. Besides, I'm a major, MAJOR fan of the beach, and that alone is a winning factor. I'm at a different place spiritually speaking when I'm around the water; I can't explain it. I love to swim, love the ocean, love tropical things. All I have around here is...what...corn fields? And a dirty Lake Michigan, which come on, can NEVER compare to an ocean. It'd be so fascinatingly new for me, and that concept is the most intriguing.
@maulindy - That makes sense. Seeing as I've lived in the same city in Florida most of my life I have the same mundane feelings towards this place as you seem to have towards Indiana. On the other hand, I honestly don't know HOW people can stand living in the middle of the U.S. I think I would go into some sort of depression if I didn't leave near the beach.
I hope it all works out for you.
@hellokristenn - Haha yep, even though I have only been on an ocean's beach like...4 or 5 times in ALL MY LIFE, I can totally see how it's easy to get attached to that and wonder how anyone can go without it. I return to Indiana and think,"I left that ocean for THIS?" But even though Florida without beach can be mundane for you, you're so fortunate to still have that beach! I chalk it up to negative ions, which are apparently super numerous around natural bodies of water. Maybe that's why I feel sooo soothed and calmed around the ocean. Hmm...think I'll play my ocean waves CD while I sleep tonight lol
And thanks, I hope it works out too.
@maulindy - Holy wow! I may just be super uneducated, but I've never really heard about "negative ions" and their influence on people's moods. I went and googled it after I read your reply. Pretty interesting. I read your other post about Mr. Handsomely Random also btw. If you have need a Florida friend feel free to message me.
@hellokristenn - lol no worries, you're not super uneducated. I only just learned (or perhaps RElearned?) about negative and positive ions myself within the past couple of years, pretty much after being on the beaches in Cancun, Mexico. We probably all learned about them in gradeschool but of course can't remember that far back haha. I don't even know what triggered me to learn about them. Heh, probably googled one day, "Why do I feel so good at the beach?" and came up with that. Fascinating stuff though, right? I thought it was too. I do appreciate the Florida friend invite! I will definitely keep that in mind....thanks!!
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