Look what someone wrote to me:


Her eyes alone can tell a story.
In her eyes I can see her joy, warmth, and gentleness.
Even her smile.
Personality just as bright as the sun,
Deep inside right now she feels as if she has no one.
Which to me it's all a shame,
Ask me! 

All those past relationship are to blame.
Let them all go and rekindle your flame,
Much love you have to share, don't let die or go away,
If you care to share it, someone will stay.
A lot I like even enough to say,
I would be very happy to be the one,
the one that will stay.


Kinda sweet, yeah?  I think so.  It's not perfect, it's not genious, but it gets the point across.  And it was written on the spot.  I've never gotten a little "love" poem before.  Never once was I the subject of someone's words.  This was the first and last one ever.  Parts of me still sort of smile at it.  Whether it was just to butter me up for something more or just to really make me feel at ease to trust the writer, it was a lovely gesture.  Just knowing that the person in this poem is me is rather sweet.  Only me.  No one else. Maybe it really is possible to be adored in a very real way.  This poem shows that to me.

Too bad this is from 6 years ago when he first entered into my life, old words from a man with the initials DJ, the then newest potential boyfriend back in the day.  Words that no longer have any meaning, if they ever did.

Even reading that on this day, it's still hard to turn away from such words, though rather simple, but meaningful ones nevertheless, at least to me.  Amazing that these were once his thoughts towards me.  Amazing that the fact that I softened towards him really didn't do anything for him, nor did it cause him to remember the words to me.  He would be very happy to be the one who would stay.  It's ironic, really.  He didn't like how I didn't want to give him a chance due to past heartaches brought on by other men, and then, he turns out to bring me heartache just the same.  He always gently assured me that he would be different, truly did think it was a shame back in the day that someone like me, who has the potential for such great love for someone, let it fester inside with no one to give it to.  Gosh, I still remember some of those conversations. 

Bleh.  If I cared to show it, he said.  Someone would stay.  Someone like him.  In that time, he hinted he always wanted to be that someone after the year or so of watching me from a distance without ever really pursuing.  He expressed it often enough how he wanted to be the one who'd stay by my side if I'd only give him that one chance. *sigh* Oh the memories.  But we never did get there, did we?  We only played around with the idea of it.  Flirted with the almost reality of it.  It's not really a matter of "Oh get over it." I am getting over it.  And I have gotten over it.  I will even continue to get over it.  I just have difficulty accepting it, I suppose.  Doing so would mean that every man spouts such nonsense just to lure her into his world but without ever really meaning it.  Doing so would mean that any time he's sweet, it's really because he's hiding that he's sour. 

They say men will do anything to get a woman.  Stuff like this still qualifies.  Heck, that's probably what this poem was supposed to do.  Cause me to be gotten.  Win me over.  But once I more or less accepted, or even showed an interest in accepting, it all crumbled before my eyes.  It wasn't crazy or stupid of me, right?  To take such words to heart?  Why do they do this?  Horrid and mean, I say, to utter what a woman wants to hear just to get close enough to cause damage and then leave again.  I haven't disposed of this poem, obviously.  At the time, I wanted it to be proof that someone wanted me for real.  Whether he really wanted to be with me or not, I wanted that reminder that it can be possible.  That it wasn't in my head or fabricated that someone would show such desire to stay with me.

Seeing as how he's gradually becoming yet another man of the past who says one thing but does another, I guess I'm glad I held onto it.  Even though this was likely an "in the moment" sort of situation, it's still nice to know that for that small amount of time, I was wanted above anyone else.  For once.

*sigh* Not a good start for Lebron and Cavs.  Perhaps they're rusty.  There's several new players, after all.  They better do better next time.  Sure was good to see him in action again, though.

It was lovely to see some of the old faces at my arch nemesis of a store again, but I couldn't take one more day.  I'm glad it was only two days to be spent there, glad that I didn't have any more reminders of all the emotional turmoil it caused me.  A few of the people there were seemingly glad I was back, only to be bummed that it wasn't permanent.  That was a nice feeling.  It wasn't all horrible, though, to be there.  Most of it was actually bearable, even in the presence of the people who stressed me out the most.  I genuinely laughed at times, remembering that those women can still be pretty funny when they're not being bunch of--well--unpleasant female bosses, to put it nicely.  *sigh* It's a shame, really.  There are so many good workers out there who'd be willing to stick it out if they weren't being constantly poked and prodded like lab rats.  Sadly, nothing has really changed in my old department.  I wouldn't say it got any worse or better.  Just the same.  Sadder still, the girl who replaced me as manager is now under probation for the same things they kept attacking me for back in the day. 

Do they not realize the true difficulty to achieve what they want to level they want it? Seemingly, it's literally everything they hated about me that's rearing its head with her now, which tells ME that the problem isn't us at all.  But those two store managers never stop to point the finger at themselves at all. Likely they're piling on all their unreasonable expectations that a manager of that department ought to abide by, but not stopping to think that without able and willing bodies to help, it's a major struggle.  A boss can't be great without great workers.  I was told they're insisting that she should be able to run the department by herself quite easily.  Idiots.  Apparently they have yet to learn any sort of lesson from the pattern that's still running amuck.  If this manager doesn't work out, she will probably literally be like the 4th manager within a couple of years to be "kicked out" so they can find someone better.  There were two that I know of before I came along, and she's number four.  And then the cycle will likely repeat.  Tsk tsk. 

**********
Well, it's happened yet again.  A little text conversation, purely for entertainment's sake:

SIS:  What time do u get off?  You had a 'visitor' come to the house.
ME:  I get off at five which means i'll be home by six if not earlier. Dunno who'd care to visit me but ok.  Suspense more fun I guess.
SIS:  Ok. Have some guesses in mind when u get home.
ME:  I suppose if u give me a hint it will give it away?  I have only one guess which is probably right anyway.
SIS:  The hint is...it was a guy who mom and dad aren't a big fan of.
ME:  Ah yes, well that's not even a hint, just the answer.  And my guess as well. Lucky for him they weren't home then.  Still a snot rag as always.
SIS:  Are u sure u no? There are a few guys who mom and dad aren't fans of.  Who's ur guess?
ME:  lol uh I haven't had many so that narrows it down quite a bit.  So yes i'm sure.
SIS:  Well WHO THEN!? Now I'M in suspense!
ME:  Ha oh come on.  They only know 3 of my guys, 2 of which were bfs and one of which is married. I know exactly who that leaves.
SIS:  Well ur WRONG!
ME:  Well u wouldn't go thru all this trouble if it were DJ, and he wouldn't just just drop by anyway.  Besides, i haven't heard of dad disliking him THAT much. Nice try.
SIS:  I'm confused now.  I'll just tell u.  It was C.  He asked if u were still at [your job]. I said u were.
ME:  lol I win. Told u I knew.
SIS:  Well why didn't u jus say his name then?!! Aren't u at all surprised?
ME:  Can't i have fun too? A little surprised but he's done that before.  Never means anything.
SIS:  Oh really? Were u home?
ME:  Yes one of the times. The other 2 times was at work.
SIS:  We can text about this all day. I'll just wait til u get home so we can chat more about it then.
ME:  I guess that's safer.  I'm driving while texting in the rain.  Cya.

Yes, I'm horrible for texting while driving.  Let's move on shall we? Ahem.

Once again, my ex has tried to grace me with his presence again after...well...quite a long time now.  I lost track.  Not that I was keeping it, but...this is like the 4th time now he's done this in the past 2 years.  Randomly shows up where I am and tries to mingle with me like we're best pals.  My sister never knew of his first time when I was actually at home for his visitation, (she was moved out at that time) which is why she was seemingly surprised at my lack of surprise.  These sorts of things, my bloggly things, hardly ever see the light of day in real life.  It's difficult to discuss such things because people want to be so quick to judge a situation when I'm only looking for listening ears.  Anyway, yes, he's done this before and no, it never means anything.  His intention was always seemingly to get a feel of where I am in my life, romantically speaking, or trying to sneak back into my psyche unopposed.  Put simply, to see if I show any hint of wanting him back.  I'll give him props for thinking about me, though.  He wouldn't have bothered if I didn't cross his mind this day.  She suggested he try to come back to catch me, which he likely agreed to, but knowing him, he had no intention of sticking with.  At least SOMEBODY is thinking about me and acting on it, though.  And in his own, manipulative way, he succeeded in getting me thinking about him too.  I'm a tad bit sorry I missed him since I was working, but I'm not devastated. Life will proceed as normal as it always would have.

While I'm not thinking of him in THAT way, flickers of questions danced in my mind when she brought him up.  Even now, they're all around.  How's he been? What's he doing in his life? How's his family?  My sister says he has a big scar on his forehead that she doesn't remember being there before.  Neither do I.  Gosh it's been so long.  Was it a new one?  How'd it get there?  I wonder if he's matured and all grown up since I last saw him?  Unfortunately, though I do remember his birthday, (October 5th. Dammit.), I don't remember his age anymore.  He's younger, but was it by 2 years or three?  That would make him like...what....25 now? Twenty-four?  Eh....nope, he's likely in the category of men who don't mature until they're 30 or so.  I'd be lying if I say I'm not at all curious as to why he paid a visit this time.  It's more than likely for the same reason as always, but there's still that possibility, (albeit a RARE possibility), that he wants to make ammends.  I don't want the one day where he may come to his senses and tries to fix all the wrongs he's left in my heart be the day where I'm too wrapped up in anger and unforgiveness to accept it.  I left my situation with him in God's hands.  Instead of having vengeance on him myself, I left that with God.  And when you put things in God's hands, all things are possible, including a changed heart and desires to right your wrongs.  That's probably grasping at straws, I know, but there's nothing wrong with being hopeful that God will make things right. 

*******

Old male friend DJ has, in his own pathetic way, tried to make his own ammends with me in the only way he knows how.  It was not in an apologetic way, not really.  Not in the sense of "I'm sorry," just more in the sense of "Here's why."  It was all through texts spread out over a 3 hour span, even though we only shared 5 messages a piece, roughly speaking.  A lot of silent gaps.  He claimed he doesn't mean to make feel how I said I feel about him treating me like a bill alone and nothing else.  "U take alot of things the wrong way it makes talking to [u] very hard about anything," he said.  I didn't argue the fact because I know I do tend to take things hard, especially by people I hold in such high esteem, by people I really care about.  Pain is always greater when it's someone you care about or shared your life with.  Pain is always greater when it's brought on by someone who originally was all for the idea of being around you.  But I don't think that's always the problem.  Sometimes, and he may find it hard to believe, it's a person BEING hard and not always a person TAKING it hard.  I'm not so fragile that he can't talk to me.  But he thinks I am.  The conversation swayed a bit to something else, but his final conclusion to me was, "Now u know why i don't call; it's hard to talk to someone when everything u say to them upsets them, so i just make our talk quick."  It was the last text he sent, even after I replied to it.  Whatever. 

I personally believe there's more to it than that, though he'd never admit it.  It's as if he's implying that talking to me at ALL upsets me, and he's using that as an excuse to just not call at all.  Yeah Linda, you take things too hard so I can't tell you anything, so yeah...I can't call.  Yeah, right.  That's just a cop-out under the surface.  It's not that he won't call because he doesn't want to hurt me.  It's because he doesn't WANT to call.  He's got yet another female "friend" in his life who, according to all his little anecdotes, seems to provide for him what I do not.  He has little adventures with her, does things with her that he once told me were boring things, things he claims he's tired of doing.  Oh, unless it's with someone cool like a non-Linda.  I'm not an idiot.  These aren't boring things to him.  These are things that are boring when they're with ME.  When you like someone, even boring things aren't THAT horrid because you're sharing them with someone you're fond of.  To say they're boring to me but yet do plenty of them with someone else is just another way of saying, "I don't enjoy your presence."  *sigh* I'm not an idiot.  I guess men don't need to be straight with me anymore because I've deciphered some of their dialect.  Stupid that they try to hide this crap, but we catch on.  I know how this all works.  Let's insult the activity so the girl won't know it's really her and then let's just do the activity with someone else.  Oh you guys are such caring little sweethearts, aren't ya? 

Oyy, anyway...what he wants in his life NOW, she's able to give.  And then he gives her stuff too.  Attention, presence, consideration.  (Phone calls, movie dates/house hang-outs, and birthday presents.)  Lovely things that I guess I shouldn't expect from him, since he reserves them for his female interests, not everyone else.  But as I said, she's able to give to him what I cannot.  It includes things that aren't really in my power to give anyway.  Obviously, that will take all if not most of his attention as any girl he's into will do.  These are where his calls take place more frequently, no doubt.  So it has not much to do with me taking things hard all the time. It just has more to do with him wanting to talk to someone else more than me.  What I've done for him simply wasn't the way into his heart and I'm totally cool with that.  That's what lead me to the whole "season" thing.  It was God at work, not me.   If this makes him happy, then who am I to object?  If that's what I wanted all along in the first place, then it needs to continue to take that path.  It is what it is.  My time will still come.  I don't think this will be the last I hear from him, but if it is, I've had plenty...PLENTY of practice now.  Time apart will do us some major good anyway.  Maybe now I can regain some of my lost heart to give away to....no wait, scratch that.  My heart's gonna have to be mine and God's for awhile now.  No more giving it away to careless hands.

*********

I need a new Bible, since my puppy has made a toy of mine.  Shredded all the pages to bits and left them scattered on my bed like ashes.  It was a strange feeling to throw away all the pieces and then of course, the Bible itself.  Obviously there's nothing more to be done; it's damaged beyond repair.  But still....what an odd feeling that was.  In a way, I was wanting a new Bible anyway, something with one of those concordances built right into every page that break down the verses even more without having to flip all the way to the back. Or maybe those 2-in-one Bibles that have 2 different translations for the same purpose.  Or how about a study Bible?  Something with a questionnaire or the like to help apply verses to one's life? There are so many out there.  And I guess I now have my chance to get out there and get one.  Of course, I would have preferred to get one without having to have my old one torn to shreds to be sacrificed to my sheets, but what can you do?  It was my fault anyway for leaving it open on my bed when I know good and well Gino loves to chew on paper.  I just wasn't careful, is all.  Hmm...crap, I should probably take it back out of the trash, though, to at least salvage some of the verses I've highlighted.  I may not remember them all.  Hmmm....crap indeed.

Well this is where the blog would have ended anyway. 

Ta-ta.

Their utter desperation summons me.  I'm sure it's merely settling for who they can on their part, but still...me?  The very same person they dropkicked back to where I came from because I didn't suit their crooked fancies?  It is all so oddly amusing.  Fortunately, it will only be for two days, and only for the purpose of "helping" them out of their jam.  I don't really expect them to rely on me too heavily for anything other than simple tasks that any brainless peon can achieve, but desperation's funny like that.  People would do anything when they're desperate.  Anything to ease the uncomfortable feeling of powerlessness.

It will be odd to show my face at that arch nemesis of a store again, in the very presence of all those sniveling, two-faced, and conniving women.  Hmmm...then again, I saw one of my old employees in my own store the other day and he claims he's been promoted to manager over there.  Nice.  They need some testosterone over there to shake things up a bit.  But we'll see how long it takes before they chastise the poor guy, since he's awful soft spoken and, of course, in the presence of a bunch of women who seem to be a breeding ground for the worst traits of women everywhere.  And the two major bosses over there are like a couple of witches cackling as they stir the brew of their fellow man's feelings within their blackened cauldron. *cringe*

But alas, I have no choice.  The original manager to go is on vacation and so thus, they're sending me in his place.  Bleh.  Would have been better and more interesting if he's the one who went. I would have loved to have one of them go over there to experience what I have so that someone can understand the hell of it all.  Oh well.  There is still yet another manager who has to go for one day over there and I'm sure he can return with some stories to share.  Heh, I can already see the mess of it.  I'm not so sure why they're suddenly in a jam, but my guess is that they're losing managers and associates plenty quick and are at a loss.  What if they want me back? The answer's quite solidly a huge NO.  Never.  Not ever again.

Monday and Tuesday are the dreaded days that I have to tread their territory again, but fortunately, they are both morning shifts.  Ugh, though Monday is a crack of dawn sort of early.  I have to be there at 5 a.m., which means I'd have to leave at 4:30 a.m., which would thus mean I'd have to wake at 3:45 at the latest.  Wow.  I wish I had the option of not even going to sleep, but since I'm stuck working tomorrow at my own store, that really isn't an option.  This was a wonderful feeling, having a Saturday off without having asked for it, but seeing as how this was a day spent doing absolutely nothing, it wouldn't have been so bad to be stuck at work. At least there would have been distraction from all my emotional troubles. 

Agonizing troubles.  I play it cool, I play it strong.   But inside, as always, I'm holding together with threads only.  My one coworker seems to find it rather amusing to poke fun at me for having no man in my life.  Of course, she'd say how I'm independent enough to not even need one, or that I'm content with that, but that isn't true at all.  I hide my pain and I blot out the stinging sensation of being reminded that I have no one, using even my fake laughter to drown it all out.  I'll even summon some old bitterness as a source of ammunition against all male kind, as if I truly don't need or want them and that I prefer it that way.  We all laugh and nod in agreement how it's so true that men everywhere just suck, and the mission is done.  Deep down, it's never true, though.  But it helps in those moments when people are seemingly shocked that I have no one.  The one aspect I hate about men is how even when they are so foul and so detestable, they really can have their moments of excess pleasantries that only they, the opposite sex, can provide.

The only man who gives a damn about me anymore is one who I can't possibly fathom being with.  He's an older gentleman, old enough to be a parent, one I've blogged about before.  It's not a horrid thing, his attraction to me, not even gross.  He's not a pervert about it.  His age does make a difference in how he expresses the interest, though.  It's so mature, something that proves his age on such matters.  Oh if only such things were uttered out of the mouth of someone of my generation.  Ugh, but then again, I'd likely just spit all over it concluding that anyone who can utter such lovely things about me doesn't mean it at all.  It always worked out that way anyway, so why believe it?  So perhaps it's better to know it can from the mouth of someone who knows as well as I do that nothing can come from it, but who knows I'm in need of the encouragement, and who knows there'd be no reason to fib to me.  It is only disappointing because it will never become anything.  I'm sure he knows this as well as I do, but still...I'm sure he'll still treat me as I did my long lost friend DJ. Acts of love or extreme care, without ever being able to wallow in the hope that there can be more than that. 

Oh well.  Perhaps it's all for the purpose of reminding me that it's still possible that someone can see something in me that's worth my presence in their lives.  Perhaps it's all for the purpose of giving me a sense of purpose.

I still sense I'll habitually look at my phone every day just to see whose call or message I missed, from people who for one smidgen of a moment had me on their mind.  There's always one particular person I seek, unfortunately, and of course he's usually never there.  Old habits will continue to die hard, I'm afraid.  His number is deleted, but I still know what it is.  At least I don't have to see his name, though, so that's something.  Baby steps, Linda.  He sent me a couple of texts yesterday, and already I'm thinking, "Please leave me alone."  I'm tired of caring what he has to say.  If it's not a complaint then it's usually just his activities with his female friend or something that makes me feel bad about myself or my life.  My questioning of why he never asks about my life has been met with harsh accusations of me trying to change who he is, so I don't bother to expect him to really make an effort to involve himself in my world.  

Yesterday he texted me randomly, not to converse, but just to...well...keep me posted on stuff?  He's been paying me back some money he owed me for making a few car payments when he was transitioning between jobs that resulted in gaps with paychecks, so he stopped by my house on Sunday to drop it off.  I didn't ask for an explanation why he didn't stick around, nor did I care.  He claimed he had someone waiting in the car for him, likely his female friend, and I just hurried him on his way.  Obviously he was already planning to leave as quickly as he came, and I wasn't about to stop him.  In fact, this day was one of the first days where I really didn't want him around me.  There's no point to want someone around you when they want to be somewhere else.  But then his random text came late in the night, something along the lines of, "I had to choose between doing something that accounts for nothing or stay in church, so I chose church."  So not only does he think being around me for a little bit means nothing to him, he also thinks that I'm out to make him feel guilty for choosing to be at church than with me.  As I said, I didn't ask for an explanation, but he probably picked up on my vibe when he left.  He felt it needed to be said, and that's fine.  I replied back how an explanation wasn't needed and that I'm glad he can make better choices now. That's where it ended.  Still....it was yet another knife to my already punctured back when he spoke in such a manner. 

I'd venture to say that whoever was in his car was likely asked to come along so he can have an excuse not to stick around at my house, and when I hurried him along, he rather huffily proclaims that he'd rather choose church over me.  In fact, I didn't even ask him to stay.  He was probably expecting me to want him to stay and thus, found some way of avoiding it.  He's never...EVER brought someone else along when he came to my house in the past, so that's reason to assume he had other intentions.  He was rather quick to say how he had someone in his car.  He has now made me out to be some sort of enemy of his mindset, like I'm against him wanting to get himself right with God.  That's what I wanted for you all along, DJ.  Why would I try to stop you from going to church?  I do no such thing nor have I ever done such a thing.  So there is nothing more to be done now.  The situation is being manipulated and he is being secretive.  He accuses me of things and draws conclusions from these accusations without giving me any benefit of the doubt, and I've had enough.  It isn't fair and it's very hurtful.  I deserve so much more respect than that.  His life is not my business and he's made sure of it.  

This is why I blogged that last blog.  My time is up in his life and it's time to move on.  It hurts the way it hurts because it doesn't fit and it's not meant to fit.  Being alongside only puts me through more agony and if I don't watch out for myself, who else will?  My friend DJ is no longer my friend, if he ever was.  No one who says they are my friend would ever willingly lash out at me for false reasons.  They would never hurt me by making me feel guilty for something I don't do.  I'm quite tempted to tell him to keep the remainder of the money he owes me as a parting gift so I don't have to see him anymore.  But no.  If he won't show me friendship in return for my own, then I can at least have that.  Then he can go on his way and never look back at the girl who dared to stay by his side during all his trials, because all she wanted was for him to truly go on his way anyway, even if she couldn't be there to see it fall into place.  But alas, it was never meant to be my place. I shall wish him well. 

Of course, now I have to try and let these old habits die.  Such hard habits to kill....

I've never seen so many hot/handsome/cute/adorable guys in one day in quite awhile, if ever.  Makes me want to move to Illinois, if it wasn't so damn expensive anyway.

At the end of my vacation, I made a trip out to Illinois to Six Flags with a friend of mine.  It was fun for the most part.  Chilly, but eventful.  We didn't wait much longer than 20 minutes for the rides, and most of the waiting only took place because we opted for the front rows for all the coasters.  If that wasn't the case, no longer than 10 minutes tops, if not shorter.  What a perfect day to go.  Sure, there were still a few human spawn running amuck in every which way, but not enough to overly crowd the park.  The only time I was really annoyed was by the couple of prepubescent boys behind us in one coaster who were screaming, "Testicles! Testicles!!!" on the ride while it was going.  Wow. 

But as I said, never have I seen so many attractive guys on one day.  First it was several of the ride handlers, whatever their title is.  One of them I could barely take my eyes off of.  I don't know if it was because he freaking cute as heck, or because I was waiting to see if he'd crack a smile.  Not at ME, mind you, but in general.  He had such a sad/upset look on his face.  I'm sure a smile would have made him sparkle like the vampires in "Twilight," but alas, a smile never appeared on his face.  Oh well.  After that were other ride handlers just oozing cuteness.  What kind of sucks about seeing cute guys at theme parks is that you don't really look your best.  Your hair's all windblown from the rides and your cheeks flushed from the cold, and whatever makeup I had on was likely smudged and gone.  You just don't look your best.  So hence, I admire from a distance, knowing that they'd never notice me back. 

Bleh.

And even at Gurney Mills, the massive mall down the road from Six Flags, had like swarms of males, most of which were not even a little bit of ugly.  On top of that, there weren't even that many teeny boppers there either.  No kids.  No teenagers.  It was as close to heaven as I can ever get in a mall, which is like the most horrible place in the world, so that's pretty impressive by my standards.  I only wish I was feeling my best and that I can spend more time there in the hopes of "stumbling" upon someone who can peak my interest and vice versa.  But we only went there to avoid running into traffic going home, since we finished the theme park early due to the short waits.  So we killed time at the mall before having some dinner, a rather boring event since by then my friend was overly tired and thus a drag to be around.  Couldn't even have a smidgen of conversation with me. 

Oh but there was no problem texting whoever she was texting, mostly her boyfriend, I'd assume.  She's seemingly still in that stage where her boyfriend is everything, which is cool and all.  But anything I said about boys was never acknowledged.  I was trying to share something with her about certain experiences and she didn't even bat an eye.  Once I was done talking, she'd go on talking about her boyfriend. Oyyy.  In fact, after we were done eating that's when she got all vocal when she called her boyfriend for several minutes before finally hanging up so she wouldn't be rude.  Um, too late.  It was rude not to converse all along, and it was rude to only talk about your own love life.  I know I don't have a love life to speak about, but that's not really the point.  It just would have been nice if I was there too.  As far as that dinner at the end of the day, bleh.  It's absolutely ridiculous to sit at a restaurant in utter silence.  In fact, it's a major pet peeve. The only exception is of course while we're eating.  But while we wait for the food?  For crying out loud, SAY something.  But alas, when people are tired, they're tired.  I was tired too, but at least I made efforts.

*sigh* 

Well anyway, yeah...Illinois impressed me that day.  I would like to go back to Gurnee Mills one day mostly because of the diversity of stores, but it couldn't hurt to scope out a guy or two.  Yeah.

I know I've said it dozens of times before, but this time, I honestly think it's for real.  This time, it's in my gut how bad I want this.  There's no stopping me now.  Not even my own stubborn self will be able to stop me.  It's going to happen, dammit, and I'm going to make it happen.  This weight will once and for all be a thing of the past.  I've been going slightly insane with clothes because of my expectation of being my dream size again.  Not only have I been purposely buying short-sleeved, fitted shirts that are just a smidge too small (further motivation), I've also raided my closet reminding myself of what I have in there that either has yet to be worn or that hasn't been worn in awhile.  Oh it's all just mere desperation to keep myself motivated on my determination to fit into all of them again.  And the collection is quite large.  Jeans, dress pants, tops.  Lots of pants, though.  Lots. Gosh I can't wait to wear all those "skinny" clothes, clothes that I bought smaller-sized and clothes of old that I did in fact used to be able to wear back in the day.  I'm wearing them in pictures, dammit, so I know they once fit me, and not too long ago either.  Most of my previously worn clothes were from only a few years ago. 

Then there's all those cute little jeans that I'm just dying to wear just sitting there brand new, beckoning me to fight for the right to put them on.  Some of these clothes even still have their tags on them.  I even have several pants I bought for work that I've never worn because I wanted to lose weight to wear them.  And then there's the various dresses.  The one I wore for my sister's wedding a year ago still fits, thank goodness, which means I haven't gotten much fatter since then.  But the dress for my aunt's wedding in '03 is a no-go.  Can't fit into it anymore.  But rather than grumble in upset rage like always, I've decided to finally use it as further motivation. Now I can use the those two dresses as guides.  When the dress of '03 fits just right and the dress of '08 is way huge, then I know I've gotten somewhere. I know it's kinda wasteful of me to have purposely bought clothes that don't fit me yet, but I had to do what I had to do.  At least when I lose the weight, I won't have to go on a total shopping spree too fast, since there's clothes waiting for me. 

I've finally succeeded in making water my primary liquid to drink, finally getting over my intense desire for juice and pop.  "Avoid fructose corn syrup," my aunt informed me, and I have been.  I haven't mastered drinking the 8 glasses worth of water a day thing, but I'll get there.  All I allow myself to drink is water and milk.  And probably all-natural, fructose-free apple cider or orange juice, if they exist.  In all my years of dieting, I've never once...not ever, changed my drinking habits.  Even if I did manage to drink more water, I still didn't stop drinking everything else.  But this time, I'm totally on a role.  It's been nearly 2 weeks since I started, and I'm not slowing down.  This is it; this is for real.  I hope to achieve something by next year at the earliest, but at best, I'd like to achieve all that I'm trying to achieve by the time I'm 30.  A little over 2 years to go, and these horrid 20's will be over, and I will want to definitely be ready to embrace the 30's, not fear them.

The 30's.  You ever notice that when you finally start to change the way you think, something always tries to screw it up?  Almost as if the devil, or even that negative side of you, tries to prevent things from happening for the better.  The moment when you want to think a positive thought, something tries to rob you of that thought.  A few days ago I was thinking to myself, I don't have to be afraid of getting older.  I can look at my 30's as a whole new decade where my life will finally start to come alive.  These 20's were merely what I had to endure to get here.  These 20's were just there to mold me into the woman I'm always meant to be.  The 30's will be the best times of my life that lead to even better times.  Yeah, I really was thinking that way.  Daring to be positive. Daring to embrace the new decade.  I'll be debt-free and living a healthier life, taking a whole new spin on life.  And then, not even a day later, one of my co-workers just randomly was like, "You want to get married one day, right?"  I was like, well yes.  Then she goes into this little tangent with all her, "Well you better hurry up!  Time's running out. You don't want to be having kids when you're in your 30's! You better get out there and meet someone."  I was thinking, what's this?  Why this sudden urge to try and curse me?  To make me fearful all over again?  Is she trying to get me to cave in and be negative and agreeable with her?  I mustered up a, "Nah, people have kids well into their 30's nowadays; it's not unusual anymore."  But deep down, I saw what was happening: My first big test to see just how anxious and determined I am to be positive about my life for once. 

I didn't fall into negative thinking that time around, which was good.  I feel like the only way to really move into the new decade of life will have to be with a positive mindset.  It's not going to be easy and I probably will screw it up sometimes, but it simply has to happen.  I have to believe that it will all happen for me, that my turn will soon be coming to have everything my heart desires.  Love, marriage, family, contentment.  Maybe I will finally be able to achieve what God wants from me.  Sometimes I get these little hints about who I'm supposed to be, but not really knowing how to get there.  I seem to always be a magnet for troubled or hurting people.  Of course, I never know how to fix their problems and often hate that I don't really have the power to do that anyway, but still.  Whether it's customers, acquaintances, or friends...alot of people tend to not have much trouble spilling their pain on me.  It's been leading me to believe that somehow, someway...I'm supposed to be able to do something about this.  And I feel like I'm in sin for NOT doing something.  All I ever provide is a listening ear, but what if I'm supposed to do more?  What if my pathetic delay in life has cost the very comfort of people who confide in me?  What if I'm supposed to be more to them than that?  That's what makes me really wish I can find out God's will for me, find out what's my mission in this world.  Maybe I can find all that out into my 30's too. Hoping.