Not that I blog as much as I did anyway.  Still, it was always there if I ever wanted to take it up again.  But it appears that there's a strong possibility that Xanga will go kaput after July 15th, less than a month away.  Funny that actually coincides with the time frame in which I'll be moving to Florida.  Talk about a year of major changes.  Anyway, when it comes to Xanga, it seems they're trying to raise funds to renovate and keep their site running and eh, obviously that guarantees nothing.  It may still survive, but if it does, it will be massively renovated, possibly in WordPress style.  But since I already have a WordPress, there likely won't be much reason for me to stay.  Unless I simply "merge" the two.  *shrug*  But whatever happens happens.  I'll always be here until I literally can't come anymore, I suppose.  I'm downloading my final archives as a precaution. Memories are memories after all.  

Should this site not survive, I can be found at other blog sites, which I haven't really decided on a favorite yet.  Neither one of them are fully finalized, but eventually will be I guess, once my blogging self reawakens again.  So as of now, they just exist to exist.  

Blogger (http://www.lyndarey.blogspot.com/) 
WordPress (http://maulindy.wordpress.com/)

And of course, my Facebook:  (https://www.facebook.com/IslaLin)

If Xanga survives, I'll still be here, though.  We shall see.  Until then, I'd like to offer a "thank you" to anyone out there who stuck around to read my nonsense, even if it was sparingly, even if I had nothing but crap to say, even if I was a failure in offering the same thing.  I may not say it much, nor even express gratefulness, but it's there.  I'm very appreciative of you fine folks who were always lurking there in the shadows to make the inner me feel desirable.  I thank you for your attention, your thoughts, your advice, your kindness, and your mere presence.  Even if I sucked in offering you back the very same treatment.  There are some great people out there, and I feel privileged to have socialized with a small bundle of them right here in Xanga-land (or in some cases, even before and after Xanga-land).  Hope to always see you guys around.  

I can't quite word everything I want to say in a nice, review-like manner. It was just...., well of course excellent. But also a bit weird to get accustomed to. Obviously, I know Donner's Superman and this was definitely NOT Donner's Superman. While I have no attachments and/or obsessions with that previous installment, it certainly has been "the norm" for awhile. So this Snyder version, while friggin' EPIC, was still such a massive, massive change to swallow.  I had a somewhat difficult time doing so.

I loved what I was seeing, hearing, witnessing, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have to really shut up that side of me that was looking for the "playfulness" of Donner's version, for lack of a better word.  Donner's world of Superman was not what I'd call epic; it was very, hmm....well small.  Very non-comic book.  Very OUR world in all its littleness with Superman guest-starring in it.  While on the other hand, Snyder's version is a freaking behemoth in terms of a comic book movie. It was still our world, but having a head-on collision with Superman's world, which was like an explosion of nuclear caliber.  The effect for me, as a result, was admittedly a little jarring.

Now on to what may be some semblance of a review.  

I have a few complaints, but I can't help wonder if they're really complaints about aspects of the movie itself, or complaints about what the movie had (or didn't have) in comparison to what I'm used to.  Either way, they're nothing more than mere quibbles that are pretty much powerless in the grand scheme of things.  They still need to be mentioned, though.  I didn't care for the death of Clark's dad.  It was heroic, sure, but also lame and preventable. It felt flawed and...awkward.  There's no reason Clark had to be stopped from that rescue, especially given how it concluded: with Pa Kent being swooshed away to his death.  Given the desperate scenario, people screaming and panicking because of a sudden tornado threatening to engulf them, I'm quite sure Clark could have totally gotten away with saving the dog and then just getting swooshed away just the same.  Who'd have seen his face anyway?  Nothing he would have done would have been any different than what Pa Kent did.  The only different is, he'd have walked into his front door later that day, and his dad wouldn't have had to die.  So...really didn't care for that at all.  I do understand what they were going for, having Pa Kent sacrifice himself to protect Clark's secret, forcing Clark to accept the fact that he has no right to decide people's fate, but still. Don't let Clark just stand there and be forced to watch.  To me, that's like saying, "Let 'em die, Clark. Let 'em all die." Sure, protect yourself and your secret, but at what cost?  *sigh* But I suppose that therein is STILL the point.   

The only other "complaint" (and I use it lightly in this case) was the action.  Not the action itself, but the circumstances in which it was taking place. Of course it was amazing.  But almost a little TOO amazing, maybe even a bit over the top. I did, here and there, find it so hard to believe that Superman was perfectly willing to engage in such epic battles around city buildings, which were always too conveniently empty.  I guess Superman doesn't have time to wonder if any people are coming to harm in all those buildings in the paths of choppers, cars, missiles, and of course, Superman himself.  And not that the action and fights weren't awesome (they so were!) but come on now.  Buildings being demolished to practically dust, and then it's all happy go lucky the next day (so to speak; I know it wasn't really the next day literally) at the Daily Planet?  I guess, though, that this is the price to be paid to make the movie feel like it's a comic book come to life.  Because that's definitely what it did feel like to me.  A comic book coming to life.  Can't say I really liked the fact that a lot of people know Superman's identity either.  But I haven't determined if that's because I am still thinking of Donner's Superman or I really just don't like the idea of a secret identity being that much a NON secret.  Then again, I guess it is rather lame that no one was ever able to see how exactly the same Clark and Superman looked in Donner's version. I wish I knew what the norm truly is.

Those were the only complaints I had, really. Not much and most certainly not enough to damage my experience.  Pretty much everything else just...goes without saying.  Either that, or there just doesn't exist any words to describe it.  This was one AWESOME movie, very epic in feel.  I loved all of his flying moments, how the camera's angle was often right behind him so I can feel like I'm flying along with him.  Expectantly, I LOVED the score. I do wish where was a bit more variety to the main b-b-b-b-b-babum theme, but all in all, very worth of my collection and another Zimmer treasure to behold.   I purchased it before the movie's release, but held off listening until I saw the film. Now that it's been seen, I'm blaring the score as I type.  I loved Cavill's performance (and has he ALWAYS been that hot? My goodness), and I can't wait to see more of him in nerdy, Clark Kent fashion.  And whoever that woman was...Feorah or something?  What a fun character to watch!  She was mind-blowingly awesome as a villain and I loved watching her every scene, which fortunately weren't minimal, but I wish they were even more MAXIMAL.  She seemed far more menacing than even Zod himself.  The visuals were amazing, the sound, the heroic moments brought to even more vivid life because of the score accompanying them.  Loved that feeling of watching a comic-book movie with the most iconic character as the star while still feeling like I'm watching a sci-fi movie at the same time.  

I'm sure there's plenty more to say, but the disadvantage of viewing a later show is sleepingess starting to kick in before I can really gather all my thoughts.  Perhaps after some sleep, and maybe a second viewing, can help me out with that. Either way...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My ceiling fan is at its highest speed.  Because of that, the dangling string on the side of it is tingling against the light cover with every momentum of the blades.  Cling, cling, cling, cling like every half second. I forgot it did that. I haven't slept in my actual real room in....well what's it been now?  Three years? Four? Maybe more?  Well, long enough to forget the obnoxious sound.  I remember I solved it by putting a hair tie at the end of the bobble to sort of "soften" the sound.  Then the hair tie was switched out for dream catchers, which doubled as silencers as well as decor.  And there they stayed for as long as I can remember, until about a week or two ago, in which the dream catchers were removed to be placed in a box.  It was an absentminded action, not something that required a second thought.  But now that I've moved back into my room yesterday, I can hear that clinging again and for a brief moment, wondered why.

Well the why is because the dream catchers are packed for a move to Florida, along with 90 percent of my stuff.  Discovering this ceiling an noise was a direct result of moving back into my real room from my attic room (which is more or less empty and can bounce off a nice echo now), and it involves merely a mattress on the floor.  The mattress will be thrown away once I'm done with it, as it's way too old to continue to be used.  I have my TV and a handful of other things, but still very much emptying the contents of my domain.  My remaining furniture is in preparation to be loaded onto the truck this Saturday.  Nearly everything that made my room "home" is depleted and out of sight, from something as simple as a dream/noise catcher, to my art supplies.  My DVDs, 90 percent of my wardrobe, blankets, art stuff, books, albums, and anything else I can think of are awaiting the truck's arrival.  My fish tanks are empty, and the fish are now living in mini aquarium homes before being placed in Styrofoam for transport next month.  

The process is finally coming together, the days much closer.  There are still issues to deal with, issues that are too personal to expose.  Let's just say they are issues that will force me to find another place to live all the way up until my moving date. Well, maybe they won't force me, but...I don't know.  It's just...ugh.  Issues.  I just don't know if I'm being petty or reasonable. Prideful?  Maybe a little of everything.  Will I hurt anyone in the process of reacting to said issues?  I've been having to bite my tongue for so long, but some of it slipped out.  And now that it has, I wonder what will happen.  Oyy, I know I'm just speaking rubbish and riddles.  Fortunately, once these issues are over, the move to a faraway place thousands of miles away will be a welcome breath of fresh air from the drama that is....here.  Perhaps I'll cover that another time.  It's late, and that incessant clanging is crawling under my skin....

A couple of days ago, I did what had not been done in years: accepted a friend request of someone I don't know, pretty much because he is quite good-looking.  It felt weird to do, like I'm way too mature to participate in such things, but I did it anyway.  And I did it on Facebook.  That's even more rare.  Facebook is strictly limited for family, very close friends, and maybe a few acquaintances I've worked with or interacted with for a period of time.  And the latter often ends up being unfriended after a period of time of no interaction. Facebook is something important to me, a way of keeping tabs in a convenient way of people I care about.  If I get requests from people I don't know, they usually get ignored and deleted.  Am I so sharply opposed to bringing strangers to my page?  Not unless some effort is made beforehand.  I mean, at the very least, introduce yourself to me.  Send me a message before you request to be my friend. Give me something to go with.  But when I don't get even that, why would I bother accepting your friend request?  I don't.

Now this time, I made an exception.  A good-looking guy requested to be my friend for no reason I can think of, other than maybe he spotted a comment from me on a basketball post (he has LeBron and Dwyane Wade images and/or video clips on his page, after all) and maybe found me intriguing enough to friend me.  And after warring with myself a bit beforehand, I reluctantly accepted.  Sometimes you won't know what will happen when you take a chance on something.  I'm in no position to generate relationships, not in real life and definitely not on the internet, but I'm not opposed to opening windows of opportunity.  For all I know, he may have been from Florida, as he's seemingly a fan of the Miami Heat, and possibly could have been my sneak connection to the sunshine state before a move down there.  Yes, perhaps some of it was wishful thinking, but still.  That was my thinking regardless.  Now granted, he's still a stranger, and he immediately went to my restricted list even after I accepted his request.  No harm, no foul.  I expected that after maybe a few interactions, I'd get familiar enough with him that he'd eventually move "up" to my normal friends list.   

A day later, he messages me.  "Hi."  Now maybe it's wrong of me to judge a person by their internet persona, but in this day and age, you would think the way social media is and people's constant interaction with the internet, they'd have a decent way of self-expression in the two-dimensional realm.  A simple "hi" is...well...boring.  But forgivable.  Perhaps he's just being extremely careful.  We're only just starting to interact after all.  Still, I use the same medicine and tread with the same carefulness he was.  "Hello," I had said.  And then his predictable question followed suit: "How are you?"  Safe and casual again. So I attempt to add just a bit more character. "I'm as good as can be, and you?"  And a very simple "I m fine" follows thereafter.  Okay, so far so good. And still boring.  He then asked where I am from.  I answer normally, with an added "born and raised" at the end.  After a short pause, all I got in return was a "ok."  Okay?  I wait a bit more and finally ask where he is from.  He tells me and I say "cool."

At that point, my interest in interacting with this handsome stranger (which was minimal) had already vanished.  I understand not everyone can be a genius via messages, but as I said, give me SOMETHING to go with. You requested to be MY friend after all.  And finally yet another predictable question.  "How old are you?" And of course I answer.  But I don't bother to ask him the same.  I don't know.  I guess it was simply my poor, pathetic attempt to break up the monotony of what was our version of a first time conversation.  I wanted to see if he'd even dive into the conversation with a little more chutzpah and be a little more personable without me having to weed it out of him.  It failed miserably.  Whether my age freaked him out or he too was bored with the conversation, he never responded back and that was the conclusion of our interaction.  It reminded me of the days when I used to do this far more often, whether on dating sites or messageboards, guys asking me very specific questions because they're looking for something very specific.  Whether or not this applied to him, I can't say.

Needless to say, I went ahead and unfriended him, as I didn't really see the need to keep him around.  Sure, maybe I was overly eager to expect some very interesting conversation with a perfect stranger, or maybe I prematurely removed him without truly knowing his reason for the sudden halt of conversation.  But oh well.  It's not like we're friends, after all.  No harm, no foul.  He was merely a handsome stranger who just so happened to have the internet personality of a wall.  And not the Facebook kind either.  At least those are still more interesting.

Ah yes, perhaps that quote looks familiar to you.  And of course it would, because that is what was written on a receipt at an Applebee's restaurant in Misouri, and the picture of it is now viral.  It's the current story that people are clamoring over, the sort of story that will no doubt be replaced by something else that gets people's attention.  Gotta love the fickleness of mankind.

Anyway, I of course shook my head upon learning of that.  Anyone who professes to be a pastor ought to be ashamed of themselves.  And what's worse, it's things like that make other Christians look bad.  She did not show good judgment or wisdom, and unfortunately, it took the thing going viral for her to realize her blunder. But perhaps it took something like this to shed light on other areas that needed light on when it comes to her life.  Perhaps this is what she needed in order to do some soul searching.  Sooner or later, we all of us have to face our demons.

So people are angry at the pastor and angry at Applebee's, and for understandable reasons.  Obviously the pastor, who seemed to be have exercised a selfish, pompous attitude about the whole thing for not cheerfully giving of her means (in this case money) as the Bible commands.  And Applebee's for doing some firing after the pastor made it known what was going on: her receipt being posted on the internet with her name as clear as day and the tip scribbled out.  I've researched this event and came up with my own following conclusion:

Shame on the pastor, of course; that much I've made known.  But I can't say shame on Applebee's.  Why?  Because apparently, after closer inspection, the waitress who was fired wasn't the waitress who actually served the table.  No, it was another waitress who decided to share the receipt with the world with the customer's name clearly visible.  Another exercise of poor judgment.  Had she cropped out the customer's name, none of this would have happened.  And the effect would have been the same.  The world would still be all ruffled and disturbed and quibbling over religious people and whatever else, but without a name to go by.  Whether or not Applebee's still would have fired that waitress had she decided to eliminate the name, I can't say.  But their reason to fire would have been non-existent.  It's a shame that a waitress had to lose her job, but even she should have exercised better judgment. Blacken out the personal info!

There are indeed real Christians out there.  I am one of them, after all.  There are also "self-proclaimed" Christians out there who merely claim the label and nothing more.  And there are real Christians who still stumble, who still can't quite get it right, who still give in to their fleshly human ways than they should. It's a whole big mess of a situation that unfortunately can confuse a whole heck of a lot of people out there who aren't religious in any way, shape, or form.  And it's a saddening fact that Christianity in general gets too poorly misrepresented by situations like this that it makes us all become a laughingstock to the world.  This pastor sure left a bad taste in the mouth of not just believers, but unbelievers alike.  Why should you give the girl 18%?  Because giving is what you're commanded to do.  It's as simple as that.

In conclusion, this pastor failed in doing the Christian thing. I can't fault her for that, as I've been guilty of doing the same.  We're all definitely still human and we're all still going to make our mistakes.  We'll have our poorly thought out responses to situations and screw up badly.  There's no reason to not apply that to this pastor as well.  But as I mentioned earlier, perhaps this moment shedding a negative light on her is just what she needed to see her true character, and whether or not she's as Christlike as she's supposed to be. Sometimes it takes our sins glaring back at us to help us realize that we still have some repenting to do.  I hope she'll take the time to reflect on this matter, and to not let her embarrassment be more of the issue than even choosing to write what she wrote in the first place.

I've said my piece. Now onto the next controversial and/or "spicy" news bit....whatever that will inevitably be.

I'm at a point in life where I have so much to say, but don't know how to say it.  But I can tell it's there, buried not too deeply beneath the surface, yet it no longer wants to budge.  Oh sure there's the status updates on Facebook, the short and sweet stuff that doesn't require much thought or planning. But I've been staring at this blog screen for roughly two hours, and still haven't found the urge to spill the useless nonsense about life in general like I used to, at least not without it sounding like repetitive jibber jabber.  Work, weight, love.  There should be far more to life than that, but I can't find the means of speaking about it like I used to.

What's happened to me? Is this just another stage of development in my life? Is it laziness? Uneventfulness?  Or is it, quite simply, lack of interest and I'm just in a state of denial about it?  I can't quite pinpoint what it is.  Maybe it's everything combined. I'm older now, living in a different state of mind than I was 10 years ago (my gosh, has it been that long?).  My life hasn't really taken a drastic turn into something worth raving about.  And even if it has, am I one to brag about it?  I don't know.  Not yet.  

It's a big reason why moving to Florida this year would be the desperate change I'm waiting for.  I feel like I'm trapped in a cocoon stage from my caterpillar life, and Florida can be my means of finally bursting open into the butterfly I'm supposed to be.  Corny analogy, but you get the idea.  It's an escape from mundane, from typical, from usual, and from a done-to-death way of life.  I want that feeling of going somewhere where no one knows me and coming back into the lives of those who DO know me as a transformed human being.  And sometimes that feeling is overwhelming too. There's no fear in moving to Florida as there used to be. Now, there's more fear to stay in Indiana.

It's all a transition though, a big waiting game.  Nothing has solidified yet.  It's either we get the land we want to start building, or we get the house we bid on and EVENTUALLY start building on another piece of land, which is my own personal preference, because that would mean that I can maybe keep that house for myself, assuming I'd have an awesome job lined up.  But everything's up in the air still. We're sure it will happen, but it's a matter of when now.  I haven't started sending resumes yet, as I'd like to have a time frame to go by as well as a foundation to help me gauge where jobs are in vicinity to where I'd be living.  Once I have that, I can and will send resumes like crazy.  All in due time.

I wonder what sort of life I have waiting for me in Florida? Am I thinking too much of it? Relying too heavily on it?  I'd really like to know...

That is, the show Heroes, not heroes in general.  I can't believe I never watched it when it was originally on the air.  It's a shame it only had four seasons.  I actually really enjoyed it.  Not quite LOVED loved it, but I definitely liked it.  A lot.  Despite the glaringly obvious handful of flaws or the whiplash the latter seasons left me with, I was overall entertained.  Simply put, if I have a hard time NOT watching the next episode of something, it succeeded in pulling me in.  That is where Heroes succeeded with me.  As I said, though, it wasn't free of flaws.  

I just need to ramble a little about my thoughts on it, while they're still fresh.

Indeed, Season 1, as I was told by various sources, was the best.  It introduced me to the Heroes in a steady fashion, kept to one story line, and built up to one purpose.  If there's anything I didn't care for, it was how it ended.  I mean, you have a Hero with the ability to absorb everyone else's powers facing against a Villain who stole everyone else's powers, and all they do in the end was punch each other a little?  Talk about a let down.  But it was still extremely fun.  

Season 2 was decent as it came together midway to the end, though the beginning was meh and a little uneventful.  I can't remember anything of much importance going on, but I sure didn't like Hiro being in the past falling in love with a woman. It was distracting.  Thankfully that wasn't the entire season.

Season 3 was just...well, all over the place.  Way too many confusing story lines and inexplicable character motivations. First they're up, then they're down.  And then there's a side to side thrown in there.  It was, as I said, a whiplash kind of season with too many inconsistencies.  Just when you get a handle on one story line, it abruptly comes to a halt, and you got another one shoved down your throat. Level 5 prisoners, Government secrets, Suresh going all Jeff Goldblum a'la The Fly on Maya, who randomly just disappears from the Season altogether, Molly being adopted and loved by Parkman only to disappear later on for no apparent reason at all, Sylar going good and then back to bad for no real reason I can recall, etc, etc, etc. But alas, it doesn't mean that those story lines, no matter how numerous, weren't still interesting to watch and get involved with, at least most of them.  Didn't really care for Mica's cousin story line, though.  Just not interesting and it got Nicki killed off.  Eh...I just wish it didn't feel so...disorganized and messy.  

Season 4 kind of returned to the show's roots a little, focusing on one main story with maybe handful of minor ones scattered in.  But the story was, of course, no comparison to Season 1's story.  Season 4's main story was actually a little lame.  The coolest Hero (who are magically called "specials" in Season 4, which I found kinda...eh...dumb) Peter could only hold on to one power at a time, which was a bummer, as I thought he had the coolest ability during the first two seasons.  I don't understand how Hiro got his powers back; all I can think of is that his contact with baby Matt Parkman didn't just make his powers spark up, but also just...returned them.  Is it safe to assume that if baby Matt had touched Peter his original powers would have returned too? Come to think of it, how did Peter even have power at all in Season 4?  Must have missed it.  I also must have missed the part where Sylar obtained the ability to fly, seeing as how he didn't slice it out of Nathan's head when he killed him.  Speaking of Sylar, and it's not that I don't appreciate him going the Hero route again, but having Peter's ability work successfully in obtaining the Haitian's ability in order to get close enough to Sylar, whose own ability still managed to work in the presence of Peter's Haitian self was a glaringly obvious flaw, and a convenient one at that, to get Peter to beat the crud out of Sylar to hold on to Nathan.  Did they honestly think that wouldn't be noticed?  They made it perfectly clear throughout the entire series that no one's ability, NO ONE'S, will work in the presence of the Haitian, so Peter should have never been able to even absort his ability, and Sylar should never have been able to maintain his shapeshifted form of the woman in the elevator.  How convenient!!

Overall, the show was still pretty awesome and it kept my attention well. I loved seeing the loyalty of the actors on the show, seeing the same faces being the same characters for the show's entire run.  Sometimes you don't get that on shows.  Loved seeing Ray Park again, and seeing him in action no doubt, even if it was rapid-fire.  Didn't care for the college story line with Claire, and her love him, hate him, love him, hate him relationship with her father. Just pick a stance and stay with it, Claire.  I really wish, as a whole, the show focused more on the Heroe's being just that:  Heroes.  Interacting with the real world.  But I guess that can get old and stale after awhile.  I can tell, though, that if the show had gone on beyond Season 4, that may have been the direction they would have taken it.  Too bad.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning, officially January 1st, 2013.  New resolutions being spouted everywhere, new goals being uttered. And yet again, I am a part of that group.  There's nothing wrong with trying for them again, after all.  That's the beauty of a new year.  It's another chance to start over, to not make the same mistakes, and all that jazz.  Along with my typical resolution of losing weight, getting in shape, and eating better, there's the newest determination to eliminate my bills once and for all.  And, just like losing weight, it will involve tremendous discipline on my part.  This means absolutely no more credit cards.  Zippo.  I'm done. I haven't decided if I'll go through the extreme of actually cutting them all up, as I don't think I'm THAT troubled by their addition to my everyday life, but it's still a possibility.  My intention is to pretty much send all my paychecks to the month's bills and to my savings.  If I'm careful and stick with it, I can have most, if not all of my debt wiped out this year alone.  Sure, I'm positive there will still be some random events that will require me to have some spending money, but even that's doable.  If there's something I want to buy, patience will be my ally.  I would just have to limit myself to, say, 100 bucks a month for spending.  To help myself achieve this, I aim to do start dabbling in my other resolution:  Hobbies.

Yes, I want to start drawing again.  I want to reawaken that part of me that's been dormant for too long.  If I manage to awaken it enough to obsess myself with it, it will be the ultimate distraction.  Drawing, sculpting, painting, whatever else.  Those are things that keep me at home.  They pass the time.  But more importantly, they a part of me being reborn again. Something that can spark my creativity, my imagination.  I have sculpted since high school, and I'd love to do it again.  I don't really have an adequate workstation for that, though, which kinda sucks.  But there's other hobbies that I'd love to delve into again, such as video editing.  That, too, involves imagination and creativity.  These hobbies were once enjoyable for me, once my escapism. And I want them to be that way again.  There's no better time for them to be important to me again than now, a time when they can take the place of that part of me that wants to spend money I don't have on things I don't really need. Oh they're things I want alright, but not what I need. I just have this bad problem of wanting things when I want them, instead of just patiently saving money for them.  That's the part that needs to die.  The rush to acquire and own what I am drawn to own. It's almost a sickness.  Not anymore.

This is the year of recovery.  The year of financial recovery, spiritual recovery, and overall recovery.  I'll lose my weight, lose my debt, and lose my stagnancy.  But I will not lose this battle to be or do something more worthwhile.  I won't.  Not anymore.  

Inner turmoil.  That's what's taking place inside my head.  Am I ready for a big change such as a move to Florida?  I'm feeling just as uneasy and panicked as I am eager and excited.  But I don't know which feeling is dominant. They each find their own chance to shine.  I just don't know how to take the next step.  Job-hunting is never fun, regardless of the state.  But even now, whenever I'm asked what I'm looking to do with the rest of my life, I still can't come up with an answer.  After over 2 decades of finding it out, I've yet to achieve that.  I am at a loss for words.  I am at a loss for everything. Sometimes, I'm just numb of feeling.  But I don't know which decision would be the smarter, which the more foolish.  

I have peace co-mingling with upset.  I often tell myself that it would be nice to just...get away from everyone and everything I've known for a period of time.  A self-reflecting time to transition, to change, to grow.  Sometimes I want to do that all alone with no interruptions from even my loved ones.  I want to reunite with everyone with a light in my eyes, a glowing smile on my face.  A move to Florida may help achieve this.  *sigh* Still.  Though I have no tight circle of friends, I have my sisters.  Surely such a feat will cause me to have drastically minimized time with my sisters, the two people I'm most close to compared to everyone and anyone else in my life.  Is an overhaul of my current life worth their absence, even if it's a small period of time?  Should I cling to the hope that we'd all be together again anyway? Someday? When they shift down there too?  

This is a time when I should pray and seek God.  What does He want me to do?  But I haven't quite mastered quieting myself to hear what He has to say about certain life-affecting matters.  He could be telling me right now, clear as day, and I don't pay mind or even know how to listen.  I just wish I knew which way I'm supposed to go.  Should it matter if I keep my priorities right?  Yes.  It should.  But in the end, I really don't have a choice.  I can't afford to live on my own, and I wouldn't feel right living with my one unmarried sister without contributing my equal share.  It's enough to make me cry, this stagnant inability to do what my heart tells me to do (if it's loud enough for me to hear), or live the way I want to live.  This is what happens when one fails to establish themselves into a more rooted existence.  

*sigh*    

Funny thing what vacations do.  Spend a week there for Thanksgiving, and suddenly the probability of that state becoming my new home is becoming more a reality.  I'm still fearful of departing so far from my bubble of a world, my carefully built comfort zone.  But what has that comfort zone done for ME?  Everything's mundane, systematic, and routine.  Where has any of it gotten me in all these years?  What if the one thing standing between me and the better life I always dream of, the one thing standing in my way, is a move to another state?  

It's ironic, really.  I was never one to boldly declare a strong urge to leave the state of Indiana.  I was never the one to yearn for such a drastic move as that.  Especially not to those low, down south states such as Texas and Florida.  I hate heat.  Always have. Still do. Likely always will.  And yet, it's quite likely that I'll be the first one to move there, even before my sister, who has been unable to quench her love of the state since her first vacation there when we were all teenagers.  But she has a little more to lose now than I do.  Her job is working out well and she hangs out heavily with a man she really really likes, and who definitely likes her back.  That certainly complicates matters, especially if they hit it off really well.

Me?  I have nothing to lose.  I have nothing tying me to Indiana.  While that fact is saddening and upsetting for me, it's also the perfect reason to leave at the same time.  Still, there's much conflict inside my mind about the whole thing.  I wish a move to Florida was more a personal desire of mine than lack of choice, which unfortunately, the latter is the case for me.  I can't afford to move out on my own.  Unless a move is with my sister, but even then, the other problem still rears its head:  stay here for what?  I have no budding relationship, no strong prospects. So marriage is out.  I have a simple job that doesn't offer benefits and is run by a rather....problematic woman.  So a great career is non-existent.  I have no strong circle of friends, no one to which my loyalties are tied.  So friendship isn't a crutch.  A drastic change such as this should be something I ought to be running to.

As I said, though, it's also a little saddening.  I'm rounding near my 31st year on this planet and still...nothing.  I wish I wasn't even in this predicament where I'm like, "Should or shouldn't I?"  Part of me wishes that I was so set and established in life where a move to Florida would be, at most, tempting to try, but I have such a great life here.  But that isn't the case.  What has Indiana brought me?  Sure, some of it's my own fault, but not in entirety.  But maybe that's the whole point, though. Maybe the real reason why nothing really comes together for me is because it's not supposed to be coming together, not here.  I don't know.  Why do people stay in one place? Career, marriage, family.  Why would *I* stay in one place?  Family is not applicable, as I have them in both states.  Career is something I've yet to acquire. And marriage? Bleh.  I know and love a man who'd fit that role wonderfully if we were in a different time and place, if the Lord willed it, but we're not.  And it's just one big tease to be so close to him and yet...so far.  

In a way, I almost want to RUN to Florida.  to be far away from the things that have haunted me over my life.  Weight.  Job. Love.  Spirituality.  Myself.  Sure, I hate heat, but I love water. I love to swim, I love the beach.   I love oceans and tropical settings.  Not that I'd be having that every single day, but I admit, it sure would be nice to be nearer to that.  And if that's accessible for me, I can tolerate heat.  There's no sense hanging around here in Indiana anymore.  I'll tag along with my folks, find something better, and then get on my feet over there which hopefully a much easier time.  And maybe one day, I can find those missing factors in my life.  Wouldn't it be something, though?  Something as simple as living somewhere else may be all that's necessary to propel me forward in this world to where I'm supposed to be.  I just have to embrace it and not fear it.

None of this matters, though, because my real problem still needs to be solved regardless. No matter where I go, my problems will follow unless I learn how to conquer them.  So no matter what, that's still going to be my "Step One."