Inner turmoil.  That's what's taking place inside my head.  Am I ready for a big change such as a move to Florida?  I'm feeling just as uneasy and panicked as I am eager and excited.  But I don't know which feeling is dominant. They each find their own chance to shine.  I just don't know how to take the next step.  Job-hunting is never fun, regardless of the state.  But even now, whenever I'm asked what I'm looking to do with the rest of my life, I still can't come up with an answer.  After over 2 decades of finding it out, I've yet to achieve that.  I am at a loss for words.  I am at a loss for everything. Sometimes, I'm just numb of feeling.  But I don't know which decision would be the smarter, which the more foolish.  

I have peace co-mingling with upset.  I often tell myself that it would be nice to just...get away from everyone and everything I've known for a period of time.  A self-reflecting time to transition, to change, to grow.  Sometimes I want to do that all alone with no interruptions from even my loved ones.  I want to reunite with everyone with a light in my eyes, a glowing smile on my face.  A move to Florida may help achieve this.  *sigh* Still.  Though I have no tight circle of friends, I have my sisters.  Surely such a feat will cause me to have drastically minimized time with my sisters, the two people I'm most close to compared to everyone and anyone else in my life.  Is an overhaul of my current life worth their absence, even if it's a small period of time?  Should I cling to the hope that we'd all be together again anyway? Someday? When they shift down there too?  

This is a time when I should pray and seek God.  What does He want me to do?  But I haven't quite mastered quieting myself to hear what He has to say about certain life-affecting matters.  He could be telling me right now, clear as day, and I don't pay mind or even know how to listen.  I just wish I knew which way I'm supposed to go.  Should it matter if I keep my priorities right?  Yes.  It should.  But in the end, I really don't have a choice.  I can't afford to live on my own, and I wouldn't feel right living with my one unmarried sister without contributing my equal share.  It's enough to make me cry, this stagnant inability to do what my heart tells me to do (if it's loud enough for me to hear), or live the way I want to live.  This is what happens when one fails to establish themselves into a more rooted existence.  

*sigh*