Funny thing what vacations do. Spend a week there for Thanksgiving, and suddenly the probability of that state becoming my new home is becoming more a reality. I'm still fearful of departing so far from my bubble of a world, my carefully built comfort zone. But what has that comfort zone done for ME? Everything's mundane, systematic, and routine. Where has any of it gotten me in all these years? What if the one thing standing between me and the better life I always dream of, the one thing standing in my way, is a move to another state?
It's ironic, really. I was never one to boldly declare a strong urge to leave the state of Indiana. I was never the one to yearn for such a drastic move as that. Especially not to those low, down south states such as Texas and Florida. I hate heat. Always have. Still do. Likely always will. And yet, it's quite likely that I'll be the first one to move there, even before my sister, who has been unable to quench her love of the state since her first vacation there when we were all teenagers. But she has a little more to lose now than I do. Her job is working out well and she hangs out heavily with a man she really really likes, and who definitely likes her back. That certainly complicates matters, especially if they hit it off really well.
Me? I have nothing to lose. I have nothing tying me to Indiana. While that fact is saddening and upsetting for me, it's also the perfect reason to leave at the same time. Still, there's much conflict inside my mind about the whole thing. I wish a move to Florida was more a personal desire of mine than lack of choice, which unfortunately, the latter is the case for me. I can't afford to move out on my own. Unless a move is with my sister, but even then, the other problem still rears its head: stay here for what? I have no budding relationship, no strong prospects. So marriage is out. I have a simple job that doesn't offer benefits and is run by a rather....problematic woman. So a great career is non-existent. I have no strong circle of friends, no one to which my loyalties are tied. So friendship isn't a crutch. A drastic change such as this should be something I ought to be running to.
As I said, though, it's also a little saddening. I'm rounding near my 31st year on this planet and still...nothing. I wish I wasn't even in this predicament where I'm like, "Should or shouldn't I?" Part of me wishes that I was so set and established in life where a move to Florida would be, at most, tempting to try, but I have such a great life here. But that isn't the case. What has Indiana brought me? Sure, some of it's my own fault, but not in entirety. But maybe that's the whole point, though. Maybe the real reason why nothing really comes together for me is because it's not supposed to be coming together, not here. I don't know. Why do people stay in one place? Career, marriage, family. Why would *I* stay in one place? Family is not applicable, as I have them in both states. Career is something I've yet to acquire. And marriage? Bleh. I know and love a man who'd fit that role wonderfully if we were in a different time and place, if the Lord willed it, but we're not. And it's just one big tease to be so close to him and yet...so far.
In a way, I almost want to RUN to Florida. to be far away from the things that have haunted me over my life. Weight. Job. Love. Spirituality. Myself. Sure, I hate heat, but I love water. I love to swim, I love the beach. I love oceans and tropical settings. Not that I'd be having that every single day, but I admit, it sure would be nice to be nearer to that. And if that's accessible for me, I can tolerate heat. There's no sense hanging around here in Indiana anymore. I'll tag along with my folks, find something better, and then get on my feet over there which hopefully a much easier time. And maybe one day, I can find those missing factors in my life. Wouldn't it be something, though? Something as simple as living somewhere else may be all that's necessary to propel me forward in this world to where I'm supposed to be. I just have to embrace it and not fear it.
None of this matters, though, because my real problem still needs to be solved regardless. No matter where I go, my problems will follow unless I learn how to conquer them. So no matter what, that's still going to be my "Step One."
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