Well, my absence wasn't really an overhaul as it was a lengthy break and a slight makeover.  I suppose the overhaul was merely a mass-privatizing of all my posts in some measly attempt to start anew.  Not like I haven't done that before in my 9 years here on Xanga.  But I suppose you can never refresh things too many times.

At any rate, here I am once more. I am eager to try this blogging thing again, though as always, am a little rusty.  There will still be some changes afoot, though, so it's all a work in progress.  In case you've stumbled upon this place for the first time ever, or the first time in awhile, expect to see changes here and there.  Having become more familiar with WordPress, there are features it has that I'd love to at least try to integrate here, namely the ability to categorize blogs.  I just love that. How I'll do it or if it's even possible, I don't know.  But I certainly have to brush up on my HTML knowledge.  I still like to dabble in the craft of writing and self-expression.  What was always lacking was time or, more importantly, subject matter.  But oh well.  Here I go again.  

So...life as I know it has been....well...interesting.  Drama all around.  My sister and husband are fighting; she even asked what we'd think if she and he were to break up.  Her husband and my other sister are also on non-speaking terms.  My folks are back to their old ways of getting along merely on the surface.  Not to mention my cousin's wife has been cheating on him for a year with his best friend.   And me...well, nothing very drastic, other than being in love with someone I am not meant to be with.  How's that for an adventure?  Not one I'd recommend, that's for sure.  A family vacation is forthcoming in November, though, so that should be a very welcomed escape for all of us.  It'll be my first holiday vacation in...well...probably since I was still in school well over a dozen years ago.  Though I won't be getting paid for this vacation due to lack of benefits with my job, it doesn't even matter right now.  I want the escape.  And I'm certain I'm not the only one.  

I don't know the details of the drama between my family.  Even if I did, I'm not about to plaster those details, as it's no one's business.  I just know that it's so frustrating from my own standpoint, being on the outside looking in at all these relationships that just fizzle away for reasons that you sometimes forget happen in real life and not just the movies.  I wish I can just bleed out my own thoughts on the matters everyone fights about, but I can never seem to articulate the right words to share.  Why would anyone even bother to take me seriously anyway?  I'm just a single woman who's never been married, so what do I know?  And yet, despite it all, it still doesn't stop me from wanting marriage.  Something always tells me that I'd be of the percentage of women who'll be blessed enough to be involved with someone who'd be just as committed to making it work like I would.  Even now, it isn't such a foolish notion.  And I refuse to believe it is.  

And being in love?   You read it right.  No point trying to deny it anymore.  At least here, anyway.  In the flesh, though, that's not something I intend to parade around.  It'll never be accepted, never be understood.  There would be panic and gossip, judgments and accusations.  And neither I nor he would be deserving of it.  Is love in secret real love at all?  Some people may think so, but I say it is.  Not that those things should stop us, and if we were meant to be together, those things likely wouldn't.  But he and I both know that he is not my husband and I am not his wife.  We know and feel it.  And just because there may be real love, doesn't mean we simply MUST get married.  Is this preferential to not feeling anything at all?  As in, is it better to love and lose than to not love at all? Eh...I'm still torn about that one.  I now know what it's like to be on both sides of the spectrum, and I honestly can't quite say which is preferential.  It's both wonderful and horrible.  Comforting and excruciating.  Perfection and mess.  But at least I finally know what works for me.  And that's one bit of treasure I aim to hold on to tightly.

Life as I know it is still in transition.  I learn about myself every day, which I guess is how it ought to be.  I'm a growing soul, always a work in progress.  I look back at the pieces of life I chose to spill out onto pages and screens and really do see a difference in the person I am.  Much of it is simply maturity, but there's still that little something I can't quite put a finger on.  Oh of course it's a neverending process, but it's still pretty fascinating to notice anyway.  There's the parts that will never die, and the parts that die.  All there is to do is hope that the parts that die aren't the good parts. Oh bleh....I don't even know what I'm talking about.  Sleepiness taking over.  Typical.  I will attempt to contribute blogs on a more regular basis now, a slow come-back.  I already don't see myself doing it every day, but perhaps on a weekly basis. We shall see.  In meantime, here I am.  And but now I go.  Bed beckons.